Archive for the Uncategorized Category

I Know What Love Is

Posted in Uncategorized on March 30, 2018 by 4fingeredhand


I decided to write this post because it is on my heart to do so. It does touch on a spiritual path. It’s not about what’s good and what is bad or any perception of such. Those are very sensitive words and anyone that knows me also knows there are many ways those words can be misconstrued. I certainly know I’m jacked up and I’m thankful for forgiving friends. Especially, the one’s that listen. This article touches on human nature, plus a snippet into the way I see the world in this particular moment in time. Now that you have been warned you may read my drivel if you care to. I trust you will read it and hear my regular talking voice. 😎

I know what love is. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. It is in these truths that one might say love never dies. It never denies. It never lies. It desperately cries.

These days I’m still walking by faith and not by sight. I remember I’m sanctified by blood and light. However, I am still only human. I am no Christ. I recently watched “The Passion Of The Christ” as I do every year around this time. I do this at least once a year. I also break out the music of “Saviour Machine” in the same manor. That’s just me. I am not Christ. But it helps me remember why I’m still here on this earth. Yes, it’s true that anyone can be crucified metaphorically. However, not literally anymore. There’s something to be said for that. The crowds would gather and it was an occasion similar to any form of horrific punishment or battle scene.

I just think of two things right now. The first is that it is difficult to imagine what it would be like as part of my place in this world to necessarily go down a path that would completely shut me out from my Father’s love. Not my literal father. I love him too, though. I just mean that it was necessarily done because it was the only way. He said so Himself in truth and in the spirit of life. The second is one thing that I will never understood or grasp. Not in this lifetime here. For me, I know that I am getting closer to a time that eventually I will. What I’m saying is that I think and feel things about what it would be like generally if I were to give in to my demons. To let them control me and comfort me. I have always done my best to handle them and communicate things to others. Life gets complicated. I have the tools to get the job done. It gets very frustrating sometimes. I don’t always understand at the time. Self-knowledge has availed me.

I think that looking back so far I have learned a lot. I can be a jerk and also my own worst critic. I still want to believe. I’m a weirdo. I am very open-minded to a point. I can’t control what other people do and every once and awhile I can’t do that for myself. I usually speak in general terms and can also say what I mean in a synthetic way too. I’m not perfect. I have boundaries and things I can’t talk about. Even Jesus kept some things private. I chalk that up to the whole triune God thing. From His perspective on earth that whole thing was still evolving then and I don’t think anyone here on this earth will ever know. I just think that for Him it was about getting closer to who He needed to be and to who He wanted to be close to so that He may better understand His role.

Okay. So, this may read random and I know people may not be a big fan of this kind of post. I’m not really worried about being judged in a particular sense. But in all fairness there are two definitions of the word and let’s be clear. It’s all we can do. I do my best to reserve this first term’s meaning until more time, knowledge and understanding passes. But when we walk away from a person, situation, etc. we deduce things. What we say and do are important. I certainly do not have all the answers or always know what is going on.  The second is the one we let fear really take the reigns on. The judging that is damning, that is in a sense putting one’s self on a pedestal. It’s a judge, jury, executioner train of thought. I have no authoratative role in
any position or anyone’s life.

The difference between man and beast lies solely within. Each member of any society whether man or woman has a child inside and just wants to know who that man or women is or is becoming. I have spent a lot of time and conideration in achieving this for myself along the way. I decided to write this up because I need to put this out there. It’s just the thinker and intillectual in me. My feelings play a role also.

I really do my best to see those around me as princes and princesses learning our role. It’s a sense of worthiness that I think everyone blurs the lines on more or less. I think of so many real life people that I know, have known, people that have passed, people I only know from history and even many fictional one’s that I relate to. I think about the paths and injustices of refugees from so many places and how great the gaps become. It seems that the world shrinks and as we grow every once and awhile the situations get very hard for others to understand or fill those needs. Sometimes the reality is that we live in a fallen world and that tragedy occurs. I’m starting to ramble now. I wrote this at night initially in a draft. I’m just a fellow human, a father, a son, a brother, a man and a refugee who is trying to find his way. Thanks for taking the time to read this and thanks for helping. I do appreciate that.


Radical Change Requires Radical Love

Posted in Uncategorized on July 8, 2016 by 4fingeredhand

I just read this tweet by Brandon Boyd of Incubus about radical change requiring radical love. Attached was a video of a black lives matter type of discussion. I think sometimes, somehow out of all the chaos that it forces our communication to either cease, decrease or magnify. I am encouraged by all types of discussion from all angles. All I can do is talk about my personal experiences. So, here is one I will share with you.

I was in my late teens and some of my friends and I would go downtown to different clubs to experience music and culture. I was raised Southern Baptist. I grew up in the church and went to a private school, etc. I remember coming out of this club Fallout which was friendly to all and accepted 18 and up for certain nights. It was known as a gay club. My friends and I loved the people, we loved the music and we loved the fellowship. I was pretty high strung, so once I got into the music I was dancing all crazy like by myself. 

At the end of one particular night I was finishing a conversation as my friends were headed out to my car. I told them I would be right there. Once the chat had ended I left the club and started walking to catch up to my pals. I was then approached by two men of African-American decent. I was shocked because one was very angry and held a gun right at me. He was on some heavy drugs and his friend had a beer in his hand and looked stoned. I had a little to drink myself and whatnot, so it was a bad situation. 

The man with the gun threatened me and said I am going to kill you and added on explitives. I have HSP and I was dumbfounded and afraid. I stayed calm and I told him I do not understand. I told him that he seemed like a guy that I could have a conversation with. He asked me why my head was shaved and why I was dressed crazy and also inquired about why I was wearing combat boots. I explained it to him that it was because of the music I was listening to and the things that I thought looked cool. I then told him I just want to catch up to my friends waiting by my car.I asked the man what his name was and told him mine. His friend then told him to stop and that I was cool and let on my way with a respectful nod.

This is not the only time this has happened to me. I certainly can only imagine and empathize as to what is like to be black or a cop or a woman or even part of the LGBT community. I just know that every one has their own unique perspective and that we need to show more compassion in the face of fearful circumstances. This is not a look at me and what I did post. It is not promoting all lives matter. I am not saying there is such a thing as reverse racism. I am saying that we all need to show others to the best of our ability the compassion we wish to receive. It is also a self-love issue. I have struggled with that myself in the past. I believe that radical change can happen with radical love too. 

The idea of spiritual anorexia.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on May 23, 2016 by 4fingeredhand

. I do believe there is something powerful about the idea of duality. I also think that in some cases things cannot always be deducted in this fashion, nor is there always a simple explanation as to why something is what it is or appears to be such. These ideas have been in some discussion and have been coming to mind lately. Incidentally, I also met a troubled man recently who solidified this persona.

. With that said, I want to tell you a tale. It is about the story of a man’s vision of a gremlin. Yes, a small evil-looking entity. Imagine it is a cold, day during the fall season. The man is waiting for someone inside a dwelling place. While sitting near the top of the staircase a breeze opens the unlocked entry door. To his dismay a small gremlin is perched in the tree out front!

The man locks eyes with the creature and it would seem there were devils dancing together in the reflection of its eyes. The gremlin begins to laugh and the man is in awe and afraid. There is frost on the branches of the trees. The wind continues to blow the creature to and fro. It is simultaneously camouflaged by the leaves on the tree because of this bitter breeze. The small demon-like creature seemed to flicker on and off just like the light would if someone were to play with a light switch.

. The gremlin begins to laugh at the man. Discouraged and oppressed the man feels defeated. He continues to do his best in life, but for reasons he cannot fathom he seems to fail over and over in his own mind. The man suddenly realized he is hungry too. He quickly is reminded about the idea of anorexia and how it can apply as a metaphor for how the physical and spiritual existence can be quite difficult.

. Lately, you may have noticed I have been posting about ‘Lesser Than God’. I am attaching a song that really fits this post and I would like you to listen to it. This is really the only polished song that we had recorded in the past that we thought went well. It was intended as the first song that was to be I included on our first actual album. Any discussion or comments are welcome.

@4fingeredhand Photography Slideshow

Posted in Saint Louis Music Press, Topher Photography, Uncategorized with tags , on April 6, 2016 by 4fingeredhand


*Photo above features Michael Bivens of Connibal Road at The Pageant.

This slideshow contains some pics that are just some random concert photos that I took at some past shows that I covered for STL Music Press. These are some examples of photos that were taken in the past from various shows. The slideshow begins including shots from Relient K, Senses Fail, Transit and goes on to feature many STL music acts. Such as, The Takedown, The Vondrukes, Earl, Butcher Holler, Bella & Lily, Clockwork, Since 1902, Dear Genre, Social Slave, Sicfaist, Never My Silence, Corvus, The Orbz, Make Me Break Me & also Connibal Road. The thumbnail pic is of Butcher Holler. In the past, I also did some interviews and album reviews for the music press site. Those are indexed on the categories cloud on this blog. I particularly remember having fun at these shows and enjoyed fellowship with friends and meeting new people. Good times. I’m thankful for the opportunity and the experience. All of these were shot using a meager PowerShot SX120 IS by Canon.



@4fingeredhand Art Slideshow

Posted in Topher Artwork, Uncategorized with tags on April 6, 2016 by 4fingeredhand


I finally got around to my old artwork that has been collecting dust all organized and I put into a slideshow finally. It starts with some random drawings that I made for book covers and such. I did most of the early stuff my senior year of high school. It continues on into beginner college level stuff. Design mediums like collage, drawing, color-aid paper, chalk drawings, etc. The last ones are something recent I did and digitally edited some stuff in. I know I’m not the best artist, but I do take pride in the things I have created. Let me know your thoughts, if you care too. Hope this finds you well.

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